History.

I took a DNA test and found out I'm white lol lol lol

Blood, whiskey, and history -- why history? 

Not because I am a historian, but because I was on to something when I chose to become one -- I probably didn't fully understand it at the time, but my choice of discipline was intimately related to the need nearly all of us feel to be a part of something larger. Religion at the time was not an option, neither really was politics; but once I discovered that what I thought to be mere idiosyncrasies within myself or, at the most, related to the society of my own lifespan, were actually connected to people generations ago, even hundreds of years ago: well, that provided me with a release from alienation and a type of self-knowledge not reliant upon my own ego. Here I was, learning that I was a part of something larger; that we all are, whether we like it or not. 

But thinking through how this truth relates to my spirituality has not been easy. The temptation  common today is to construe our history narrowly, through our genetic lineage only; and I'm no exception to the fascination typical of our times. But there are serious problems with this. First, it contributes to a racialized way of thinking about identity that has bred some of the worst crimes in human history. How can the "essence" of a German ancestry be "in your blood" when you've never even stepped foot on German soil? Is the "strength" of European or Asian or African ancestors anymore a part of the people descended from them than anyone else? And in the end, we're all from Africa anyway; so how the hell do we draw a line at an arbitrary point in time and say this is our "real" heritage? In thinking your historical identity is the same as your genetic "ethnic" one, you are playing with some seriously dangerous fire and deeply fucked up assumptions.  

Second, because modern people -- probably Americans more than anyone else -- have very loose if any at all immediate connection to their "ethnicity," this means we are allowing genetic tests to determine what identity we try on. Hilariously enough a commercial for one of the genome testing services hit upon this: a man believes he is (genetically) German, and we see him dancing around in linderhosen while drinking beer; then he finds out via his genetic test that he's actually Russian, and suddenly the outfit changes and he's switched to Vodka. Opps!, he now has to switch the superficial costumes of "heritage" he's put on; revealing how shallow they actually are in the first place. 

So, what the fuck am I going on about history about? Well fortunately the history all of us carry inside ourselves is far more flexible than a DNA spread sheet, and also much more interesting from most perspectives: it's cultural. I may be a mix of German, North European, and Eastern European genetically, but what I am culturally holds stories and modes of being just as complex and fascinating. I am Protestant; the ghost of Calvin is always with me. I am bourgeoisie; which has its virtues and god knows its vices. I am white -- a complex thing to grapple with in America, but a fundamental part of my experience of life nonetheless. I am steeped in the Enlightenment, even as I critique it constantly in my professional life. I find classical music beautiful; certain chords strike me as sad, other ones as happy. I am a woman, yet I've also always been a feminist; because I was born into a culture where I was taught at an early age what that meant, and I knew it was something that resonated with me. But that culture has a history; all of these qualities have a history, of struggle, triumph, tragedy, crime, suffering, happiness; humanity, in sum. But the particularities of all these stories have made possible the life and the person I am today. 

I once saw an art installment of hundreds of photographs of dead people arranged in a small room and beautifully lit. The description of the piece included a quote from the artist commenting on how she wanted to create something reflective of how "our faces are collages of dead people." I love that. What history brings to me is an escape from the loneliness imposed by being trained to think individualistically; a stop to our constant tendency to forget that our control over who we are is limited, and deeply shaped by those who came before us. My face -- my soul -- is a collage of dead people, and as surely as I am indebted to them, I am also connected to them. 

Bringing this into my practice has still presented its challenges, however. Who you are in your heart and in your head might not connect with your genetic make-up. So when that's the case, what do you do? I've asked myself this question constantly as I moved into pagan practice, particularly as I found myself deeply drawn to the symbols, history and myth of Celtic, Germanic and Norse paganism. Yes, I have a lot of German in my genome and some North European as well; but, I'm not particularly Scandinavian or Germanic in any deeper sense. Except. Except that these stories and motifs get my attention; they get their hooks in me, they draw me in without me even always knowing why. So I gravitate towards them, I learn about them, I watch movies and TV shows based in those worlds (of varying quality lol) and this feels like it is a part of me or, speaking to some part of me that wants to grow. 

So how did that get in me? Not because of genetics, for sure, but culturally, in a million different complex ways. Of course, there is the fact of qualities or tendencies I have that are at least partially genetic; I don't subscribe to the blank slate theory of the human person. But those qualities were nevertheless steeped in a specific cultural stew, and through a million different interactions of varying sorts and degrees, I ended up here, in the 21st century, an American middle class white woman deeply drawn to the pre-Christian world of Germanic and Norse paganism. This is a truth, regardless of what percentage of my genetic ancestors did or did not actually inhabit that world. It took me a while to fully get that in my head; to accept it and get rid of the itch that made me want to be 100 percent Irish or Scandinavian; but I feel nearly freed from that highly problematic and self-limiting concept now. 

I was helped along in this by other atheopagans. In particular, a feeling I had long had -- that the most important of my ancestors are not necessarily the genetic ones -- was validated in an essay by NaturalPantheist in Godless Paganism. They write about how there are many types of ancestors and two they discussed are particularly important to me. First, it is vital we remember that our ancestors go beyond the human species. We are apes, we are primates, we are mammals; we are animals. Second, the most important ancestors (for me at least) are those that reflect your values; as they write, "what about people we don't know, those who have influenced and affected our culture, our local area, the places we go and see and experience?" (127). Being a leftist (meaning anti-capitalist, anti-racist, and anti-imperialist) is my guiding light for my life; my commitment to the pursuit of equality and justice gives my life meaning and direction. So who are my most important ancestors? Those who fought those battles before me and continue to inspire me today; my comrades, all through the ages. 

Realizing that this could be meaningfully incorporated into how I practice paganism was huge for me. During my rituals, I acknowledge several different layers of ancestors -- and the last and closest to me, both in time and space and nearest my heart, are my comrades of the past. For each major ceremony, I chose one person or group of people (for often the names of revolutionaries are lost to us) to remember, recognize, and honor. Without them leading me, teaching me, and serving as comfort in hard times, it would be difficult to imagine how I would understand or be able to commit myself to the larger values of equality and justice. They are my history - my chosen history - and my deepest hope is that whatever I do with my life, I leave behind something to help future comrades thrive and survive as they have helped me.